Two Way Trip

I can feel it moving up from my toes to my head
The burning sensation inside me,
And the one that I thought was long dead
Is standing somewhere beside me.
Should I smile, should I cry, or should I pretend
That I know what’s going on around me?
I no longer feel pain, I feel, I’m past the end,
As nothing but darkness surrounds me.
I don’t know what I did to make it all go wrong
But I know that it’s something about you.
Should I pretend I don’t care? Should I pretend that I’m strong?
Or should I break down and ask why I allowed you?
Should I have let go of your hand when I had the chance,
Or should I have held onto it tighter?
Should I have tried to escape, to stop this from happening?
I know that inside – I’m no fighter.
When the darkness swallows up the thoughts in my head
I feel that there’s no way back.
I can feel someone else, their presence around me,
But still, all I see is pitch black.
I am longing to be with you and your mess,
But I’m too frozen to move.
The second I’ve been here feels like forever…
The silence is shattered by hooves.
A black and a white horse tied close together
By a rope that is burning with fire.
In the firelight I see an inscription on the walls:
Pick a path of your desire.
The hell raising black horse kneels without request,
But the white refuses to budge.
I know what this is, I understand now…
The black horse gives the white one a nudge…
The white one fights back with a hit on the side
And the black bites its left shoulder.
They rear and they buck and continue to fight
As inside, I’m getting colder.
I know that the white horse will take me to heaven
And the black horse will take me to hell.
I understand why I get to choose…
Now I understand it all well.
I remember my mother telling me that
All children that die go to heaven,
But I’ve done too many bad deeds in my life…
The weight on my shoulders is too heavy.
I know I don’t deserve to go to heaven
So with a terrified sigh,
I walk up to the horses pouring with blood
And immediately they stop their fight.
The white horse still won’t look at my face
And the black horse kneels once again.
I walk up to the black and stroke its gentle back.
And the firing rope is unchained…
I put one of my legs on top of the horse
Who turns around and gives me a glance.
I sit on its back and as it gets up
I am suddenly snapped out of the trance…
I am lying on a hard white hospital bed,
My head aching as much as my chest,
The people around me are wiping their eyes.
It’s too painful to take in a breath.
I am trying to speak, but no words will come out,
All I can produce is a sigh.
When suddenly the people around me hop up
And shout: She’s alive! She’s alive!
And there is my mother I never got on with
And there’s my dad - long divorced.
There is my sister I’ve messed with so much
But someone I loved once is lost…
You’re not here, you’re somewhere else, I don’t know
Where you are or why you are there.
I’m confused, I feel lost, what happened to me?
And why aren’t you beside me right here?
They run up to me, talk to me, though I don’t understand
A word they are saying… I feel
Cornered up, claustrophobic, I wish they would leave
I want to go back where I was free.
A nurse comes inside and does things to me
I don’t know what they are – I’m in pain.
Why did I survive? Who revived me and why?
Whoever it was did it in vain.
They’re talking again and now I understand
That you shot me and then shot yourself.
You’re in the next room, you lie dead, I still don’t understand.
I loved you! I picked you myself.
You were the love of my life, you were my reason to live
Did you shoot us so that we’d be
Forever together, or did you not want me
But got scared when you saw what you did to me?
“Leave me alone” I manage to whisper
And they rush out without any doubt
I don’t want any love unless it’s from you.
My heart is dying to get out.
You were my reason to live – your death’s my reason to die
I undo the chords, plugs – with great pain
With great difficulty, I get up out of bed
And know that I can only gain.
I look in the mirror and see my distorted face
That caused everyone so much fuss.
I lean on the window, then knock into it hard
And fall through the shattering glass.
The fall is quite long – twelve stories up
In no time, I’m back where I was
The room is lit by a fire, so I can just see
A sweaty bleeding black horse.

Poem by Dasha

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